So here’s the thing. I’ve never seen The Umbrella Academy.

I’ve also never read the comics. Everything I know about the series I’ve absorbed secondhand from the internet. I’m objectively unqualified to rank the Hargreeves’ powers. 

But aren’t you curious how your favorite comes across to a TUA outsider? Or do you just want to argue with a stranger on the internet today? Either way, check out my Umbrella Academy ranking below.

7. Luther (Number 1)

Luther - The Umbrella Academy

The internet overwhelmingly tells me Everybody Hates Luther. And who am I to disagree? His power is super strength, which is kind of…boring. Not that super strength isn’t useful, of course! But in the entire realm of possible preternatural abilities? My interest is not peaked.

6. Allison (Number 3 or 6?)

Allison - The Umbrella Academy

I’ve hardly heard anything about Allison, which is the primary reason she’s ranked so low. Maybe she’s really cool and powerful! But I don’t know that. I’ve heard so little about her, in fact, that I’m not even sure of her Number. I think she’s a celebrity of some kind, but I don’t know if that relates to her abilities at all.

5. Ben (Number 3 or 6?)

Ben - The Umbrella Academy

Ben is dead. But also sticking around? Not in a zombie way, more in an apparition/ghost kind of way. I don’t really know much about him or his powers. But he gains cool points for the whole “coming back from the dead” thing.

4. Klaus (Number 4)

Klaus - The Umbrella Academy

Klaus can speak to the dead (and maybe raise the dead?). Even though this seems like it could only cause problems, it’s a very cool power. Like a medium, but better. I also just like Klaus’ energy. He manages to feel both laid back and chaotic at the same time and I respect that.

3. Diego (Number 2)

Diego - The Umbrella Academy

Knife guy! Stabby lad! Attack boy! I don’t fully understand the nature of Diego’s power (is it a telekinesis thing? Does he hone in on targets like a human missile? Have I misinterpreted this completely and the stabbing isn’t even part of his power?) but I do know this is someone I want on my side in a fight.

2. ??? (Number 5)

Number 5 - The Umbrella Academy

Does Number 5 have a name? I imagine he must, but as far as I can tell everyone just calls him Number 5. What I do know is he can time travel! Now that’s a cool power. Probably also a very problematic power and one that’s difficult to make good use of though. So Number 5 ranks high for cool factor, but loses practicality points.

1. Vanya (Number 7)

Vanya - The Umbrella Academy

Vanya didn’t have powers and then she did, and for that I’m ranking her #1. Everybody loves an underdog story. And wouldn’t we all like to think we were normal, only to later discover a secret power within us? I think Vanya’s powers have to do with controlling sound waves. Objectively speaking, that may not be more interesting than time travel or raising the dead, but it does seem a lot more useful in practice. Also, Vanya plays the violin, and I like that. (Hey, it’s my ranking!)

So, Umbrella Academy fans. How did I do?