Kevin Bacon Stars in Peacock’s Horribly Misguided LGBTQ+ Horror Film “They/Them” [REVIEW]

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE YET TO SEE THEY/THEM, THIS IS A NON-SPOILER REVIEW.

A horror movie that takes place in a gay conversion camp with an ensemble of out-and-proud young performers? From a three-time Oscar-nominated writer?  And produced by Blumhouse, who knows a thing or two about this particular genre?  And to top it all off, it stars Kevin Bacon?  I couldn’t help but be intrigued by They/Them when I first heard of it.  And I was rooting for this film from the moment it started because you can tell that writer/director John Logan has earnest aspirations for his feature directorial debut.  But, as this horribly misguided schlock-fest dragged along, I couldn’t help, but shake my head in terrible disappointment.  

WHAT IS THEY/THEM ALL ABOUT?

Several queer and trans teens are sent to a conversion camp in the woods for a week of programming intended to “help them find a new sense of freedom”. As the camp’s methods become increasingly more psychologically unsettling, the campers must work together to protect themselves. When a mysterious killer starts claiming victims, things get even more dangerous. 

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THIS SCREENPLAY?

They/Them has one of the worst screenplays of the year, hands down.  And it’s confusing, because you’d think that Logan would have put his all, into this passion project of his.  After watching this film, I wouldn’t blame you if you would be completely shocked to learn that the writer of this incoherent mess, also penned Skyfall, Gladiator, The Aviator, and Hugo… among many other beloved films. 

There’s no way I can make any sense out of how horrible this script turned out, unless Logan wrote this decades ago and finally found the financing to make it happen… because it feels as if a high school student wrote this.  The characters are one-dimensional, the dialogue is beyond cringey, random sex scenes are randomly shoehorned in, and incredulous plot points come out of nowhere and slap you in the face with how stupid they are and the twists are as basic as they come.  

WHAT IS THEY/THEM TRYING TO SAY?

It doesn’t start out, all bad though.  The beginning scenes with Kevin Bacon’s monologue introducing our queer campers to Whistler, as well as the group therapy session that follows… shows a glimmer of what Logan was trying to accomplish.  You can see that he is trying to somehow reason with himself, how a thing as awful as gay conversion therapy could exist in the first place.  How hurt, lost, and angry these kids are, who have been cast aside by the ones they love, just because they have finally discovered who they truly are.  And you can see how Logan would have thought, how isolating a group of these volatile kids in this setting and letting loose a killer… could lead to a frightening film with some really powerful social commentary. 

But, the moment our protagonists started bursting out into song with Pink’s “F**king Perfect”… I knew he had completely dropped the ball.  

HOW IS THE ENSEMBLE CAST?

The one positive that I can really hold on to, is how much the entire cast gives it their all.  The veteran actors, which include Kevin Bacon and Carrie Preston are chewing the scenery as the camp counselors and Anna Chlumsky, while horribly underutilized, provides some real screen presence in the few scenes she’s able to unleash her talent.  And the young LGBTQ+ cast, while not all inherently outstanding performers (but, really, how could you be with that script?) are all quite charming and do their best with what is given.  And how often can you say that the lead in a film is a bad-ass non-binary trans performer?  Very few movies have that distinction and it is so refreshing to see.  

IS THIS FILM AT LEAST FUN? OR SCARY?

It’s clear that They/Them had good intentions from the start, but the themes are laid on so thick, that you can’t help, but shake your head at how on-the-nose it all feels.  And maybe you could forgive the lousy script and the heavy-handed commentary, if it was at least fun… or scary.  But, this movie even lacks in both of those departments.  I’m sorry, but no movie with this much pride should be as much of a snooze fest, as it is.  And the kills, the jump scares, and psychological terror all fail to be effective in any way, because everything in Logan‘s film lacks any sort of ingenuity or flare.  It’s really sad that the only thing truly creative about this movie… is its title.

They/Them will be streaming exclusively on Peacock on August 5th, 2022.

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