Amazing Fantasy Football: Part 1- One Geek’s Attempt To Win An FFL Without Any Knowledge Of Sports

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I am not a sports guy. To say it’s not my thing is an understatement; Sci-Fi, comics, movies, math, and video games… THAT is my thing. However, lately, something about Fantasy Football has peaked my interest. There’s the shit-talking, which I’ve perfected from my many, many hours of Mario Kart domination with friends. I also love that FFL (as we insiders call it) really boils down to statistics, mathematical formulas, and numbers- meaning I can make some sweet excel grids, functions, and macros. And finally, there’s also the trading and live scoring, really no more complicated than a good game of D&D or Settlers of Catan. Very little of a Fantasy Football League actually has to do with the sport of football itself, it seems. So, with that in mind, I have set out to prove that a geek like myself doesn’t need to know anything about sports to win at Fantasy Football.

This is my first foray into Fantasy Football, and so I will attempt to document my process and progress as I go. This part will serve as an opening chapter to my goals (winning) and League.

Recently, I was offered a spot on a fairly new team with a low buy-in and I immediately jumped at the chance. Most of the players in this league are familiar to me, some I know well, some I know a little, and some I don’t know at all. As far as I can tell it seems to be a mixed bag, everyone is a geek like me, but most, I suspect, have a greater (possibly great) knowledge on the sport, but others seem to be just as in the dark about whatever a penalty kick is as I am.

Full Disclosure, the team knows about this article series- all people have been given code-names and, although not the primary purpose of this article, I do hope to use this lens as way to continue to shit-talk and taunt my opponents beyond the general League iterations.

The Players:

The Red Ranger- He started the league, I’ve known him close to a decade, now. I’ve worked with him, drank with him, been through a few trenches with him, and even traded Con badges with him on occasion… he’s a friend and a good man. And he is going down soooooooo hard. This will teach him for driving that tiny car around, while I had to lug gear and production equipment everywhere!!!

The Dancer- I also have known this guy for years, or so I thought. Then, one Con-night, I saw him dance and realized I knew NOTHING. I suspect he has a better handle on the sport than I do, but even his sweet, sweet moves on the floor will not save him from the wave of pain coming his way.

Section 31- One of the most competent men I have ever known, the guys seems to know everything about everything, a real nuts and bolts kind of guy that I can’t wait to take apart, put back together, and take apart again. My worry about him is he has really solid instincts so I’ll have to watch him in the draft.

Gold Leader- I only recently met this guy, but loved him from go. I see him as my greatest opponent as I suspect he might be an secret expert in the game. Nice guy, but he’s also really determined and that’s not a good quality for an opponent to have. He would probably shoot first if given the chance. A chance he won’t get from me.

The Wonder Twins; Zan & Jayna- A guy and a girl (not related) I feel I know intimately, even though we have never met (that I can remember). They are not related, but hail from the same depths of the internet where I first truly encountered them and continue to learn their secrets. Secrets which I will use with military precision to disarm, and destroy everything they hold dear… in FFL.

Nebraska- I think he’s from Nebraska. So… that says a lot right there.  Or does it? Don’t really know him yet… but I will. And the name sticks.

There are 5 more players but I don’t know them yet and so I don’t want to lock them into code-names before getting a chance to sauce them out.

 

Against these fine competitors, I feel confident that none of them stand a chance against the onslaught of my research and math skills. Hmmm… Onslaught. I think that might be a good name for my team.

Next time we will get into my background, my team, my rules, and my pre-draft research. Solomon Thomas Jersey