Advice For Watching Solo: A Star Wars Story From Someone Who Loves You

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Now that I am older and a bit wiser, it is time to reflect back upon all that I have learned, seen, and experienced in my life, in order to share my knowledge and veteran insight with the world. One era of my earthly journey, in particular, I feel most pressingly needs to be made public so that the masses can digest this information and process it for their own use. This time I speak of is my exposure to the motion picture “Solo: A Star Wars Story,” as I feel a dire need to bestow upon the peoples of this world advice for proper, and full enjoyment of this movie.

Head my advice, if you wish to truly enjoy this film.

 

1) When you buy your ticket, you will notice there is a time printed on it. With a thin tipped sharpie, carefully scratch out this printed time and very neatly write a time 15min later.

I know what you are thinking, “But won’t I miss the first 15min of the movie?!”. The answer is yes. As you should, the first 15min of this film only serve to distract you from enjoying the movie as a whole. The slow pace and slow… well, everything play out with all the drama and energy of a HGTV show about quilting. This takes away from the later acts filled with wondrous humor, vitality, action, and spectacle we all desire from a movie of this prestigious franchise. In fact, make it a good 20-25min, in case the previews run long.

2) If you accidentally catch a glimpse of the early portion of this film, please listen close and follow my directions to a T.

Take a deep breath, close your eyes, breath out and in and forgive the movie. Let the anger flow out of you. Let it leave with your breath. As you inhale fresh popcorn scented air, fill your lungs with forgiveness. This will enhance you ability to enjoy the next scenes with fresh, young eyes, untainted by dull, dreary early minute of this film and it’s lackluster sequences of motionless and emotionless acting. Know that there is good coming and you don’t want your negative feelings and sour disposition at the lazy writing ruin the fun and magic that is, shortly, to come.

 

3) Enjoy! Now that we are safely past the first act, it’s time to sit back and relish the waves of enchantment and delight that follow! The sudden charisma of actors who seemingly had none seconds ago, witty dialogue in place of corny dad jokes, and action scenes that have you on the edge of your seat!

 

4) Have you enjoyed the ride?! Yes, I know. Me too. Anyway, as we arrive near the end please note that odd sense that the main story line has pretty much wrapped up and everything is kinda done and yet… the movie continues with a lot more talking than forward momentum. You maybe be tempted to even look at your watch. It’s ok! Do it, not that you are about 15 min from the end of the movie. Now, here is a key piece of advice that might sound strange, but believe me is an import part of your enjoyment of this picture. Do you feel the film dragging as if the inevitable conclusion has already played out in your head and is just taking too long to wrap up on screen? Is there a swell of music and film style that suggests a big reveal is coming?! Quickly, now, stand up and walk out of the theatre!!! Do it, before it’s too late! Not only will this feeling drag on for another 15minutes, but it will seem like an hour. And that shocking reveal is so blasé in nature that everyone in the theatre is about to shrug and say “meh” at the same time.

That’s it. If you listened close and arrived and left upon the marks I have given you, Than you will truly enjoy this movie as it was intended. If you have any further questions, I would suggest you listen to the words of a wiser man, “Trust your feelings”. And as another wise Jedi once said, “Yeah, the beginning and end sucked, but the stuff in the middle was freaking great.”

 

Thank you and you are very welcome,

Someone Who Loves You

 Dee Gordon Jersey

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