The Most Believable Star Wars Fan-Theory on Who Rey’s Parents Are.

 

 

Imgurian SexyAbeLincoln dropped us some real facts on who Rey’s parents must be….. and i got to say….. im sold!

I’ve seen a lot of fan theories on here since Episode Seven, but after taking like five handfuls of opiates and watching Return of the Jedi seven times I’ve figured it out.

Rey is Kylo Ren's Sister.

Rey is Kylo Ren’s Sister.

BUT SHE’S NOT HAN’S DAUGHTER

Remember this asshole?

Remember this asshole?

This is Leia, Rey and Kylo Ren’s mother. But Han didn’t fertilize that. His pull out game is way too strong. But I know what you’re asking. “If Rey isn’t the product of the sweaty loin grinding of a bikini-clad princess and marauding stallion of a loose-cannon smuggler, then who is the father?” Well prepare yourselves. Because it’s…

This Guy

This Guy

That’s right. Wicket. The ass-kicking Ewok, and secret Jedi master, that we never saw coming. “But when did Leia do Furry Scurry with Wicket’s Harry Larry?” you ask.

Remember this scene?

Remember this scene?

Leia: “arent u a little short to be a stormtrooper?” Widget: “stfu I hav the high ground” Leia: “omg this is so us.”

Aw yiss

Now that we’ve established that Widget and Leia clearly did the nasty in the pasty, here’s three completely irrefutable reasons why this theory is the truth.

1: The Stick

1: The Stick

In several scenes in Return of the Jedi, Widget can be seen clearly holding a stick as a weapon

The Stick Awakens

The Stick Awakens

In The Force Awakens, Rey occasionally also holds a stick in an obvious homage to her father.

2. The Head Scarf

2. The Head Scarf

In this scene, Widget can be seen clearly wearing a head scarf. Note how it covers his head and is also a scarf.

The Head Scarf Awakens

The Head Scarf Awakens

Nearly identical. I, for one, can hardly tell the two apart, and I’ve had Lasik like five times. JJ Abrams is just shoving it down our throat now. But if that’s not enough, consider this:
3. Droid Worship

3. Droid Worship

When Widget encounters C-3PO, he worships him as the most socially awkward of all the Gods of Endor. He clearly takes an immediate liking to droids.
Droid FRIENDship Awakens

Droid FRIENDship Awakens

In a clear parallel to her father, Rey immediately befriends the first droid we see her encounter. Coincidence? I think not.
CASE CLOSED

CASE CLOSED

We thought he was cute. We thought he was fluffy. We thought he was a thinly-veiled attempt by George Lucas to make a statement about the war in Vietnam within a Universe that had no need for such blatant imagery.
But the whole time, he was father to one of the potentially most powerful Jedi we’ve seen yet.
I wrote JJ Abrams about this, and he responded “I don’t know how you got my personal email. I ask you again: please stop emailing me your star wars theories and “dope” mixtapes or I will pursue legal action.”
If that doesn’t convince you, I don’t know what will.
BUT WAIT: THERE'S MORE

BUT WAIT: THERE’S MORE

Remember how Kylo Ren is a person? Well he’s ALSO not Han’s. Like I said, pullout game too strong. That’s right, he’s a Widget too. The Half-Ewok, full angst son of a steamy endor afternoon.
Remember how he takes off his mask?

Remember how he takes off his mask?

WELL GUESS WHAT. This is just another mask. Another beautiful, shovel-faced mask.
BOOM

BOOM

The Real Kylo Ren. When Episode 8 comes out, I won’t say I told you so.
Source: http://imgur.com/account/favorites/HP8td

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